commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and
actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal.”
At the age of 10, I took a pledge at my
church alongside a group of other girls to remain a virgin until marriage. Yes, you read that right — I was 10 years old.
Let’s take a look at who I was as a 10-
year-old: I was in fourth grade. I played
with Barbie dolls and had tea parties with imaginary friends. I pretended I was a mermaid every time I took a bath. I still thought boys were icky and I had no idea I liked girls, too. I wouldn’t get my period for another four years. And most importantly, I didn’t have a clue about sex.
The church taught me that sex was for
married people. Extramarital sex was
sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it. I learned that as a girl, I had a
responsibility to my future husband to
remain pure for him. It was entirely
possible that my future husband wouldn't remain pure for me, because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible. And of course, because I was a Christian, I would forgive him for his past transgressions and fully give myself to him, body and soul.
Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfill my husband’s sexual needs. I was told over and over again, so many times I lost count, that if I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn’t that it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.
I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? I was young and these were people I trusted. Everyone knew I’d taken the virginity vow, of course. Gossip is the lifeblood of the Baptist Church. My parents were so proud of me for making such a spiritual decision. The church congregation applauded my righteousness.
For more than a decade, I wore my
virginity like a badge of honor. My church encouraged me to do so, saying my testimony would inspire other young girls to follow suit.
If the topic ever came up in
conversation, I was happy to let people
know that I had taken a pledge of purity.
It became my entire identity by the time I hit my teen years. When I met my then
boyfriend-now husband, I told him right away that I was saving myself for
marriage and he was fine with that
because it was my body, my choice and he loved me.
We were together for six years before we got married. Any time we did anything remotely sexual, guilt overwhelmed me. I wondered where the line was because I was terrified to cross it. Was he allowed to touch my breasts? Could we look at each
other naked? I didn’t know what was
considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me straight to Hell.
An unhealthy mixture of pride, fear, and guilt helped me keep my pledge until we got married. In the weeks before our wedding, I often got congratulated on keeping my virginity for so long. The comments ranged from curious (how in the world did you manage?) to down right disgusting (I bet you’re going to have one busy wedding night!). I let them place me
on the pedestal as their virginal, perfect-Christian-girl mascot.
I lost my virginity on my wedding night,
with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, “I made it. I'm a good Christian.” There was no chorus of
angels, no shining light from Heaven. It
was just me and my husband in a dark
room, fumbling with a condom and a
bottle of lube for the first time.
Sex hurt. I knew it would. Everyone told
me it would be uncomfortable the first
time. What they didn’t tell me is that I
would be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn’t yet comprehend. They didn’t tell me that I’d be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to
be okay now.
When we got home, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my Virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn’t special anymore.
My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I
didn’t know who I was without it.
Hey yeah sorry
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